Friday, June 3, 2011

Why do couples quarrel?

I guess that if we had all the answers to that question,  we'd be living in a perfect world, which, as we well know, isn't the case. But we can, however, pinpoint the most common causes of this all too familiar occurrence.
The most important thing to remember is the difference between male and female of the species. We don't look alike, we don't think alike, and we definitely don't feel alike. We see things from different points of view, and this is the principal cause of mayhem. Men think that women should be able to see life with the pragmatism they favor, and women long for men to understand the complexities of their feelings.
 In most cases, of course. There are too many of us, with too many different characters to generalize, but there is no getting away from the fact that we differ in our approach to most discussions. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, by John Gray, is a classic explanation of this phenomenon. We need to realize that we are built differently, not to compete, but to complement each other.
So then, why do couples quarrel? Usually, because of a lack of communication. The differences between the sexes cause a barrier when it comes to making your significant other understand your needs. Women want to cherished, not necessarily understood. Women want to talk about their feelings, their problems, their fears. Men want to solve problems, not talk about them, and they see woman's talk and bonding as needless chit chat.
The key to understanding the other sex is not difficult; as a matter of fact it's dead easy once you have grasped the differences between the sexes: celebrate the difference! Don´t ask your girlfriend or wife to act as a man, just enjoy the fact that she's a woman. If she were a man, you would probably not enjoy getting back home as much as you do now, or having her do all the things she does for you. If she thought like a man, you would be able to talk about the ball game, sure, but is that what you look for in a relationship? Would you prefer to talk about cars and tools with her or your buddies? Think hard and long about it.
The same goes for women. Female bonding is all very well, but if you're with a man, enjoy the fact, and don´t bemoan all day because he has trouble expressing his feelings in words, or cannot appreciate the new cover you made for the bed.
Another thing to remember is respect. It is so important to respect each other. Lets face it, quarreling will always exist, but if it is done respecting your partner, it can actually be productive. On the other hand, if you argue or fight with no control, just trying to be as nasty as you can, and aiming only at winning the fight, this  will not only fail to solve whatever problem you are discussing, it will also leave scars in your relationship, and mistrust.
We can see then how important real communication is. None of us can guess what the other is thinking and feeling, and how what we do affects them unless we really communicate. It is so basic that the art of communication should be taught in school.
To sum it up, appreciate and celebrate the differences between the sexes,  show love and respect for your partner, and most importantly, communicate. Just following these basic rules will go a long way to building a healthy and loving partnership.